Let Your Hearts Be Gay

The Beginning of the End

I've been rather quiet about Dollhouse around here lately, compared to my constant pimping of it last season. I guess I was disheartened by the fact that FOX canceled it after only four freaking episodes into the second. Now I've come to terms with the fact that it has to end (although, I still have a glimmer of hope that some much more awesome network will sweep in and save it at the last minute) and I'm just enjoying what I can get. So, it's time for some more fangirl gushing.

The recent episodes have been fantastic, but last night's "The Attic" was pure brilliance. Admittedly, I have always been a sucker for dream sequence episodes, and their inherent surrealistic/Lynchian qualities--something that Whedon shows pull off particularly well. "Restless," is my favorite Buffy episode, "Soul Purpose," one of my tops for Angel, and the glimpses of those two in Firefly's "Objects in Space" are just as stunning. Therefore, "The Attic" was a dream come true for me (no pun intended), and I'm so glad the Dollhouse universe got to have an episode like this. It already feels like things will be more complete because of it. There are now just three more to go before the end of the show, and I can only imagine our minds will be even more blown. I'm thoroughly psyched and trying to not get too bummed about the fact that there won't be anymore after that.

If you're still not watching the show, or have given up on it somewhere along the way, you, frankly, suck. I feel like everything people were complaining about has already been ironed out, and while things certainly aren't flawless, they feel pretty damn close to me. Echo has become enough of a sympathetic, interesting character that her scenes are no longer weak points--and Dusku's acting has improved by leaps and bounds, coming from someone who never thought she was bad. The rest of the cast have also developed like crazy, and even Victor and Sierra are no longer blank slates. The engagement-of-the-week episodes have also gotten integrated into the plot much more smoothly and they never feel like you're being removed from the flow. I'm not sure what's left to complain about. Do yourselves a favor and catch it before it's gone.

Getting Listy: 5 Worst Songs of 2009

I'm not much of a list maker, but other people's enthusiasm has infected me--there are decade and '09 recaps everywhere. I may do more of them before the year runs out, but for now I'm starting slow.

At work, I get to hear a lot of terrible, terrible music. For one thing there's the Christmas stuff, which--when played on a loop for hours on end--does not make one merry. Worse than that though, is the top 40 hits. This is quite shocking coming from someone who loves pop music and is not usually an elitist snob about sugary, throwaway tunes. However, I never really realized how much ridiculous badness is out there until I took notice this year. It must be stopped! Making fun of things comes more naturally to me than skillfully praising them, so why fight it? Awareness is always the first step toward conquering an issue. Once you guys hear these, you'll want to fight the good fight too!

And without further ado, the cream of the crap:

05. Drake--"Best I Ever Had"



I have never been one to be swooned by a smooth-voiced RnB gent, crooning about how well he performs behind bedroom doors or whatnot, but Drake's "Best I Ever Had" is not only boring and uninteresting, it's also completely irritating. He has such a nasal voice, and a really moronic way of repeating the stupidest lines over and over like a broken robot with a sinus infection. "Best I ever had, best I ever had, best I ever had." "You the fuckin' best, you the fuckin' best, you the fuckin' best." How do people not realize how dumb they sound? And this is supposed to be sexy? Fail.

04. Beyonce--"Single Ladies"



Okay, no, this song is probably not technically worse than "Best I Ever Had," but it's higher on principle. It's offensive, and it's oh so wrongly adored. Kanye further smudged up his own name all because of this trash and its even-worse video! It's picked up so many awards around the globe for best this, and greatest that. All I can say is: what. the. freak? I'm sorry, but what I hear is a messy and hectic backing track further maimed by asinine lyrics. C'mon ladies, let's tell those men that all we care about is marriage and bling! "If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it." Oh, how empowering. We're its now. That or she's just referring to her ass, which is even better!

03. Ke$ha--"Tik Tok"



Yes, she really spells her name with a dollar sign, and yes, she (or some wretched songwriter) really felt that it added something special to the title when the Cs were eliminated from their rightful places. These are unquestionably some of the most vile vocals I've ever heard from any human or animal, or any human-animal hybrid. It's even worse that Ke-caching!-ha thinks she clever and self-parodying by including a Mick Jagger reference and showing herself as a drunken ne'er do well in the video. Please, don't pretend like you get your own joke, you're no Lady Gaga.

02. Owl City--"Fireflies"



Take Wes Anderson at his absolute most elaborately twee, and add every boring indie boy that's flown beneath the radar in the last ten years. Now take your result, and castrate it. Now offer it many children's storybooks and a casio keyboard as a consolation. Eventually it will trap itself into its own magical, but very stupid and useless mind, and come up with a huge radio hit while simultaneously adding one more animal band name to the gigantic and indistinguishable pile.

01. Hedley--"Don't Talk to Strangers"



Hedley has always been terrible and a disgrace to Canadian music (like we needed any help in that department), but this is just disgusting. The first time I heard it, I was all "what? no way...ew...no way there's a song this bad that I'm going to have to listen to a million more times. it can't be happening." Alas, it was. Cashing in on the current Cougar Craze we're inexplicably going through, Hedley manages to both make fun of and sing the praises of an aging temptress. Too bad it's completely insulting to women, and people, of all ages in that it's so terrible, unfunny, and crude. Some of the lyrical gems include "full of Bacardi and botox, she's 40 and so hot." Not to mention the sound itself, which could be about anything and would still be Hedley's whiny voice and thus unlistenable. Someone, tell me why anyone likes them. I honestly can't find one good thing about these clowns. Not one! Which is why they are. Number one, that is. Yeah, that didn't really work, did it?

Dishonorable mentions: 50 Cent--"Baby By Me," Kelly Clarkson--"I Do Not Hook Up," anything by Nickelback.

Bad Subtitles Can Really Ruin Good Films

...or make really boring ones more amusing. (From The Deserted Inn, 2008.)